A transfer from my grandpa's meds notebook
I am writing in the notebook meant to keep record, not of his death, but of his pain management. It is ten to four. I just turned off the monitor, there's nothing to listen for. In a few moments they will be walking out the door. They will take his body minus his soul.
...It's now five till, and I've seen the dark blanket covering the lightest body we have ever known my grandfather to be.
(earlier)When last I checked on the labourous breathing that plagued his sleep and his waking hours, I thought he'd stopped breathing and my cousin had been disturbed by the same senario. Fortunately, we saw him catch the next breathe he was searching for.
At one-twenty-five a.m. I returned again expecting to wait for his shallow gurgling breath, but to rise his chest did not for breath. Having had a phone to my ear that I dropped with the words "Oh my goodness, I'll call you back." I ran for confirmation of what I knew was true. Fifteen minutes had passed, the longest amount of time to lapse since I or my cousin had entered Grandpa's door. Earlier in the day his eyes latched on to mine, the feeling that everything was fine. HE WAS READY! I am not as sure that we were ready on this side. However, we are happy for your freedom. No more pain for you. I am sure that you now feel more alive.
Early this morning I found my grandfather. I had spent the day with him, blowing off my friends. One had a makeup party and another invited us to Pistol Pete's. My children were with me at my aunt's with my grandpa who had been released on hospice status to go home the evening before. Adam and I went and saw Tony and Tina's Wedding that night. Barry is great! Thanks for making me dance. SUPPORT THE ARTS! We met some lovely people and had a good time. Not to reflect on the show at all, but we don't get out much, I'm not sure why but we should and we would have had a blast just sitting in the car in the garage staring into each other's eyes without interruption. We even went for custard after the show at the best and only custard stand I know of in Las Vegas. Adam and I have both been going there since we were little tikes. O.K. I was like 6 yrs old. Anyways, the next moring I thought I would just stop and visit my grandpa and drop off my awesome 2nd cousin at my aunts, then head over to Stacey's. However, even before I left something told me to call and apologize for not going to Stacey's. I was able to hold my grandpa's hand more that day than I ever did the entirity of my life. I ran my fingers through his hair, and was able to talk to him about God's love. I don't know if he heard me, and if he did hear me if he HEARD. It was so much easier when my grandma passed because I was pretty certain, although I know her relationship with Father is between she and Father, but you could see the fruit from her life, and I had such peace when she left us one night in her sleep. Maybe the lack of peace is partially because my grandpa had to struggle so much for every breath. It was hard to see him in what I can only imagine was pain. I sang him old hymns that my grandma use to sing to me as best as I could muster up. I know he was alert for about 5 or 10 minutes around 4 or 5. I tried to just look lovingly into his eyes, and not cry. A few weeks ago on a visit to the hospital he was in I realized I had never looked into my grandpa's eyes like I did that day. They were the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen. On this last day they were not quite as brilliant or full of life. My 2 yr old kept coming in the room and climbing up the bed to see grandpa, and would ask you better grandpa? Victoria and her cousin, the one other child there filled the house with singing, laughter, and dancing. I couldn't visit much while he was in the hospital because of the under 12 rule, but I know it could have only done grandpa good to hear the sound of them playing. They too came and checked on grandpa, and would ask if grandpa was feeling better. I love my children. When things got to heavy they could lift the thickness by simply entering the room. They truly keep us young and I believe all three of them knew grandpa was going to die that day. Sebastian told me three times grandpa's dead. I would tell him no grandpa doesn't feel good and he's resting. Victoria and Micala came into grandpa's room once and said this song and dance are to remember grandpa. The next morning when they were told about grandpa dying, they all dealt with it really well. I know they just might not have really understood, but ...who knows. I reallized that September 26 is now not only the anniversary of when Adam and I got engaged, but will also be the anniversary of my grandfather's death. The most in my face, real death I have had to deal with yet. While it was not easy, I will be forever greatful!
Ah! Autumn/Fall and grocery runs
O.k. I have lived in the forsaken desert for so long that I forget exactly when autumn begins and ends. I guess we don't really have autumn in Las Vegas. My old neighbor use to have one tree that changed colors. I enjoyed that one small tree so much! Although I didn't like pickin' the cotton picket leaves out of my rocky desert landscaping in the fall. Oh well. Now I have a new structure from which Adam and I operate our home. Boy if that doesn't sound stiff and business like I don't know what does.
I believe that I am one blessed person. I am able to stay home with my children, well except when we pile up in the van and head out. O.K. so we don't pile up, I guess it must be my childhood memories of piling up in the Duster or whatever client owned vehicle that my dad would be able to drive with just the 9-12 of us, depending on how far back into the Adam's history one dares to venture. I remember our Flinstone car, which we owned for at least six months. It was a 1970 something station wagon with wood paneling and holes in the floor boards. I don't remember if we drove it through a cold Wisconsin winter or not but maybe I blocked that out. Anyways, on our way home from church my brothers use to duck when we drove through town so no one would see them. I never ducked, I had more fun trying to pull them up or wave at anyone that might recognize me and link me to one of my brothers. I loved and still do my childhood. There were so many memorable moments.
You know thinking about not having a car or a phone for quite a few of my elementary years was not a terrible thing. I remember sharing icecream cones from McDonalds or slushies from 7-11 during long walks home. Although they really weren't all that long. I sometimes wonder how my mom did it, I have a hard time sometimes walking to the car with my kids. What made me think of our grocery runs was watching 4 able bodied teenage kids walking home from Albertsons, the same chain store we use to shop at coincidentally, just in a different neighborhood, pushing a cart with approximately 4 bags in it. I think I use to carry four bags myself when I was 10 yrs old. I know it was illegal to leave the parking lot with the cart then, and my mom explained to us why. We use to carry those stupid plastic, skinny handle, cut into your finger bags, home all the time. I wish more parents were like my mom and encouraged their children to be respectful of other's property, the rules, and laws. My mom encouraged respect, endurance, sharing, abstenance from gambling, and many other values just in grocery runs. I ask God to help me be a good mom to my children like my mom was and is for myself and my 9 other siblings.
I will always remember fondly autumn/fall from my childhood. Part of it was in Wisconsin where I was able to appreciate the change of colors. You know I really don't remember the colors so much. However the other parts of my childhood were in Las Vegas where autumn/fall meant nicer weather, and more enjoyable grocery runs, now that I remember!
Near-sighted or Far
While running, I noticed that if I focused on the road directly in front, it makes my journey realatively easier. I avoid the anxiety, fear, and dread of what lies ahead. However, I could also run into danger that way, or miss the beauty that surrounds me by not looking ahead and studying my surroundings. I suppose that life was probably more difficult for those of us who couldn't see either near or far without modern medical break-throughs like glasses and bifocals, or the latest and greatest, corrective eye surgeory. Now all we need to do is remember to make use of what is available to us. (remember to wear our glasses, contacts or save up and get corrective eye surgeory.
If I only looked right in front of me during my whole run I would have missed the opportunity to encourage the little kid that fell of his bike, and not noticed his brother racing past me while his little brother lay fallen off in the distance. When I asked him, "Are you all "together"?" He did turn around and make sure his brother was alright. I remember those wipe outs. I also noticed this morning that on unfamiliar or rocky ground I needed to pay more attention to where I was going, and thus I spent more time on the constant next 10-12 feet I had to tackle. There was so much to notice and wonder at right there where things weren't as smooth. I guess that there is a time to look down, and a time to look ahead. It's how I try to go through all of life, there is a balance to everything. If we don't gorge ourselves, we can enjoy so many things in moderation. Ah, the smell of freshly cut grass as I near home, and to top it all off Shotsie's roses!
My family is still slumbering, and I want to finish Dr. Laura's
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, after a little studying. Victoria has acting class this morning. I hope she has fun. She wanted to take the class with Clay, and then she has ballet with a little girlfriend on Thursday. Sebastian has his first class on Saturday, gymnastics.
Roses
I have found that no matter how rough or fabulous my day, it is always improved upon by a good run! I have found that running in my new neighborhood is the best yet for one reason. I have a german neighbor that lives 11 houses down, (yes I count) and she has the most beautiful roses! When I walk by with the kids either she or her husband, when they are out always clip me some (always an uneven number, because Shotsie says you can't have an even number) to take home. Does someone want to explain the concept of a dozen roses to me based on that concept, because she is right they do look better in an uneven number. Maybe once you have so many it's O.K. to have an even number. Is 12 that magic number? Anyways, her husband will clip me the most beatiful roses, while the wife will pick out some less favorable. They all smell fabulous, so I don't care so much about how they look. I use to think it was cute and funny the difference in their choice. However, I have come to appreciate Shotsie's choice all that much more, because when the roses are clipped their beauty begins to decline so much more rapidly. While I know that all beauty is fleeting, we all like to preserve it as long as we can, don't we? Well, I know I do and I am pretty sure Shotsie does. Myself, nor do my children ever walk, run, even rarely bike past Shotsie's roses without smelling their sweet perfume. Shotsie even told me all of the rose bush's names, which I have unfortunately forgotten, but I know the red roses are the most fragrant, with the purple ones being a close runner-up for now.
My darling husband has a big day today, which I hope goes well so that he has a big week as well! If you read this please pray God's will for him. He's working hard, and only God knows what will come of his hard work. I'm asking for an unspoken prayer request not to sound secretive or anything, but he wants to keep this one on the down low until the week is up. I have the best blog title coming, so stay tuned.
Your on your way, O.K. maybe not.
I was on my way to playgroup this morning. I thought I new the way, but I was wrong. I reallized my lack of direction after driving around for about an hour. I know I should have had the directions before I left, but I thought I'll just call Adam if I can't find it. After all he drove to the house I was trying to find only a few weeks ago when we were there for a birthday party. What does this all mean? I need to start paying more attention to where I am being driven to, when I am the passenger. I highly recommend this to others as well. You just never know when you will need to return.
To everyone that was there, who we wanted to hang out with, know that we were there in spirit and in the neighborhood. We just couldn't find the right street. Boy do I need to get some people's cell numbers!
A day in the soup pot
Today I spent the day with two fabulous friends. We took our children swimming, and then they (the children) begged, (well, mine did because the others do not speak yet) to go in the spa. I hate spas, and only because Adam wasn't there did I venture into the hot, miserable far from refreshing water. Adam and Victoria especially enjoy the spa. Myself, I feel like a carrot (yah, long and slender like a carrot, nobody has a problem with that do they) except that instead of being a satisfied carrot I feel like I am facing my doom in a giant soup pot. How God is such a genius to have put Adam and I together is beyond me, but I sure am thankful, because besides all of the many other reasons I love Adam, he is a spa /
en-thu-seist/ and I only have to occasionally venture into the yucky hot tub.
Because this is my blog, anyone can read this, but I am typing it because I want to go to bed and I type faster than I would write it in my journal, even with all the explanation. This morning Sebastian was brushing his hair with a doll brush, and when he was done he picked up Victoria's princess mirror and said I'm handsome. Although this might sound conceeded, I was glad to hear it. I think if he walked around with the mirror all day admiring himself, that would be unhealthy. However, I am glad that my son is confident even when he looks in the mirror. I hope he keeps the good body image, so he can focus on more important things in life.
Whoa!
Where did the day go. I felt like a terrible mother this morning. Nobody was up in our house before 10 a.m. this morning. I laid around, and by the time I got up to make breakfast it was practically lunch. We were going to join my friend, Tera, and her three fabulous children for play group at a park, which I had told my children about and then didn't follow through with. I hope other people were there to hang out with my friends at play group. I really try to follow through. We went shopping instead for milk, bread, and bananas. We went home with a whole lot more. We picked up two movies and watched one, and now it's 3 o'clock in the morning. I am up starting my blog. Everyone else is sleeping. I have lots of thoughts racing through my tiny little head/brain. I have been reading blogs for a couple of months now, and felt it was time to stop being a spectator. I try and journal regularly, but it usually ends up being about my beautiful offspring. God is so good. Adam was just telling me how blessed I was earlier, mostly I think he was just trying to tell me how lucky I was to have him, which is O.K. because I agree. I love my husband and am honored that he chose me to spend the rest of his life with. I have to give a big thanks to my friends for reading Dr. Laura's book, which is not actually about the proper care and feeding of husbands. I'm not saying it's the gospel truth, or that I even followed any of her advise per say, but I will say that since I began reading it, my marriage is better than ever. Why? I can honestly say I am trying to be a better wife. I'm not even done, and have set her book down to finish some others first. I wonder if there will be any other growth on my part after I finish. I guess we'll have to wait and see. I do recommend The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, by Dr. Laura.
I have been grappling with some issues in my life lately. Things are going pretty smooth, but there are a few things like politics and not my relationship with my heavenly father, but how I involve other people around me on the same journey and alternate roads to join me. I was a part of a group of people that use to meet weekly in my home and we just couldn't get together without God being a part of it. When we sold our house and moved out of state that group ceased to exhist shortly thereafter. I was sad when I returned and could not rejoin them, but I am only free to join them, when I am not free to join them. I have found that the relationships are still there, just not the meeting. Before I reallized I had lost nothing I went searching for that something I had never lost to begin with, and found more people to deepen my relationship with in someone else's home. I love were I am at in my life. I know I can learn from any and every situation I am in, and that I have a loving Father with me every step of the way. I hope that anyone that reads this will feel the freedom to walk along side me or run up ahead and leave me some words of encouragement. I am who I am today and who I hope to be tomorrow.
