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A transfer from my grandpa's meds notebook

I am writing in the notebook meant to keep record, not of his death, but of his pain management. It is ten to four. I just turned off the monitor, there's nothing to listen for. In a few moments they will be walking out the door. They will take his body minus his soul.
...It's now five till, and I've seen the dark blanket covering the lightest body we have ever known my grandfather to be.
(earlier)When last I checked on the labourous breathing that plagued his sleep and his waking hours, I thought he'd stopped breathing and my cousin had been disturbed by the same senario. Fortunately, we saw him catch the next breathe he was searching for.
At one-twenty-five a.m. I returned again expecting to wait for his shallow gurgling breath, but to rise his chest did not for breath. Having had a phone to my ear that I dropped with the words "Oh my goodness, I'll call you back." I ran for confirmation of what I knew was true. Fifteen minutes had passed, the longest amount of time to lapse since I or my cousin had entered Grandpa's door. Earlier in the day his eyes latched on to mine, the feeling that everything was fine. HE WAS READY! I am not as sure that we were ready on this side. However, we are happy for your freedom. No more pain for you. I am sure that you now feel more alive.

Early this morning I found my grandfather. I had spent the day with him, blowing off my friends. One had a makeup party and another invited us to Pistol Pete's. My children were with me at my aunt's with my grandpa who had been released on hospice status to go home the evening before. Adam and I went and saw Tony and Tina's Wedding that night. Barry is great! Thanks for making me dance. SUPPORT THE ARTS! We met some lovely people and had a good time. Not to reflect on the show at all, but we don't get out much, I'm not sure why but we should and we would have had a blast just sitting in the car in the garage staring into each other's eyes without interruption. We even went for custard after the show at the best and only custard stand I know of in Las Vegas. Adam and I have both been going there since we were little tikes. O.K. I was like 6 yrs old. Anyways, the next moring I thought I would just stop and visit my grandpa and drop off my awesome 2nd cousin at my aunts, then head over to Stacey's. However, even before I left something told me to call and apologize for not going to Stacey's. I was able to hold my grandpa's hand more that day than I ever did the entirity of my life. I ran my fingers through his hair, and was able to talk to him about God's love. I don't know if he heard me, and if he did hear me if he HEARD. It was so much easier when my grandma passed because I was pretty certain, although I know her relationship with Father is between she and Father, but you could see the fruit from her life, and I had such peace when she left us one night in her sleep. Maybe the lack of peace is partially because my grandpa had to struggle so much for every breath. It was hard to see him in what I can only imagine was pain. I sang him old hymns that my grandma use to sing to me as best as I could muster up. I know he was alert for about 5 or 10 minutes around 4 or 5. I tried to just look lovingly into his eyes, and not cry. A few weeks ago on a visit to the hospital he was in I realized I had never looked into my grandpa's eyes like I did that day. They were the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen. On this last day they were not quite as brilliant or full of life. My 2 yr old kept coming in the room and climbing up the bed to see grandpa, and would ask you better grandpa? Victoria and her cousin, the one other child there filled the house with singing, laughter, and dancing. I couldn't visit much while he was in the hospital because of the under 12 rule, but I know it could have only done grandpa good to hear the sound of them playing. They too came and checked on grandpa, and would ask if grandpa was feeling better. I love my children. When things got to heavy they could lift the thickness by simply entering the room. They truly keep us young and I believe all three of them knew grandpa was going to die that day. Sebastian told me three times grandpa's dead. I would tell him no grandpa doesn't feel good and he's resting. Victoria and Micala came into grandpa's room once and said this song and dance are to remember grandpa. The next morning when they were told about grandpa dying, they all dealt with it really well. I know they just might not have really understood, but ...who knows. I reallized that September 26 is now not only the anniversary of when Adam and I got engaged, but will also be the anniversary of my grandfather's death. The most in my face, real death I have had to deal with yet. While it was not easy, I will be forever greatful!

posted by MrH @ 1:28 AM