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Big backyard or High Rise Living

I went to grab my journal and thought, why write when I can type? Besides my handwriting is terrible and I print out my blogs eventually anyway so I have a hard copy. You just can't trust machines they will give out eventually. When I headed into the house I was stopped by a locked slider. I pounded and for a moment thought maybe I shouldn't blog. Maybe I'm not suppose to, thus the locked door barring my entrance. I looked back out over my dog bone shaped area of grass, and thought no I'm getting the laptop.
Do I belong here? Do any of us. Is it really that horrible to try and conserve? Would we really suffer from only using one square of toilet paper? I swear a friend told me about wiping with one's hand, and then washing really well. Adam says you learn all kinds of ways to wipe in boy scouts and using your hand is not one of them! He says this with the conviction of an OCD victim. He tells me of learning using: leaves, bark and even sand. I can tell you having been to the beach a few times in my life that I would not want to wipe with sand. Someone please tell me that he is confused and trying his best to think of anything to avoid the idea of wiping with one's own hand.
I am sitting on a chair in my backyard. I was reading before I got the idea to put on paper(or type into my blog) what I was thinking about. I sometimes can't believe my life. I wonder if I could choose ANY life and circumstances, would I choose my own? I was thinking about what it would be like to retire and live in a high rise with a wall of windows that I would only close when I had to. I wonder if I would miss my big backyard or if I am really meant to have a simple window or patio garden instead of a big lawn. (well big by Vegas new construction standards) Maybe I would be a nomad and live in my car and climb all the awesome climbs and hike to the tops of mountains.
I know what I know and have experienced things that I have liked and love. I can't think of very many experiences that I can't appreciate for one reason or another. Maybe that's what it's about, finding happiness where you are, with what you have. Everything is a choice. I could choose to pack my bags tonight and head out for a new life of high rises and wealth. If I was determined enough I would find what I sought. I am chosing to stay where I am in the position I am with the people in my life with whom God has blessed me.
Yesterday was Mother's Day and it was nice. Not spectacular, but nice. It was in the moments of the day that I found the most to be greatful for, Adam, Victoria, Sebastian, and I eating lunch and filtering through the Sunday paper. Victoria read headings and titles of articles. Adam checked out the houses being offered with a minimum bid of $50,000. Sebastian put together his In & Out Burger Puzzle. I read about invasive sea life in Lake Michigan and we all looked at the pictures.
We watched a movie recently and I felt a real connection with one of the characters. She is the me that I try not to be. She had arched in sholders, unkept hair, a lack of confidence that is so unbecoming of a lady. Someone asked her what her dream was. She said she didn't have time for things like dreams while supporting her husband, taking care of the children, and all of the daily goings on associated with her role. Maybe like me she didn't have a dream, or maybe her dream was simply to have a family, to be an active member of that family, to be need and at least on occasion wanted.
I am a member of a family. I know my family could function without me, if heaven should call me home. I feel needed and probably on more occasions than I can almost handle I feel wanted. I love and feel loved. I am fortunate to have that love given and recieved by the same people. I truly am content and know I don't deserve it, but my God says, "I shall supply all your needs," and I believe He has, and always will. I sometimes pray that He will change the desire of my heart, and He usually does, but sometimes I cannot find contentment and that's when I know that He has a different plan, and things will change, although maybe not soon, maybe not ever.

posted by MrH @ 6:07 PM